Our pets as the 2022 Seattle Mariners

Tonight is Bark at the Park night, which is always a fantastic night regardless of the results on the field. We love seeing pictures of all the doggos out in their Sunday best, although the cat-havers among us cannot help but feel a little jealous, even though Shay outlined some super-realistic ideas for how this night could be tweaked to encompass those of us with feline friends. In the spirit of fairness, then, here is a tour through (almost) all of the LL staff pets and which Mariner we feel they most represent. Feel free to post your own in the comments!

Starting rotation:

Captain (Shay) – Marco Gonzales

While he doesn’t come with the most talent (Captain is a huge klutz), he’s like Marco in that he’s the most vocal of the group and he’s driven by emotions and has very soft hair/fur.

Gnocchi (Addie) – Chris Flexen

Gnocchi, like Flexen, is a well-traveled space cadet. He has a stoic persona with an affectionate side.

Levi (Isabelle) – Robbie Ray

The Mariner Levi is most like is Robbie Ray, particularly when he (Levi) has just been shorn. Beyond a proclivity for the silhouette of slim-fitting pantaloons, both appreciate the finer things in life—wine, salmon and sweet potato wet food (and we will accept no other substitutes)— and are exceptionally ferocious when faced with opposing batters and/or squirrels.

James and Stanley (Zach Mason) – Logan Gilbert (with bonus Kyle Lewis)

James, on the left, is Logan Gilbert: sure of himself, and only needs your attention every five days. Stanley on the right is Kyle Lewis, athletic and charismatic, but has massive health problems.

Cedar (Zach Gottschalk) – Matt Brash

A young up-and-comer with great raw stuff, Cedar is the type of dog that could get the Pitching Ninjas of the canine world drooling with anticipation at what could be. Everything about him looks promising, and when he gets on the mound, he does sometimes put it all together. But like Brash, Cedar doesn’t quite have the refinement of an older dog, and things have the propensity to get out of hand quickly. Instead of issuing almost a walk-per-inning, Cedar’s rawness is expressed through screaming at other dogs until he has established a 30-foot buffer zone of fear. It’s basically the same.

Relievers:

Rookie (Eric) – Sergio Romo

Rookie is a 12-year-old corgi/shiba inu/beagle mix, a truly ungodly mixture of internal conflict and hyper-vigilance. He was a real hellraiser in his younger days, but arthritis in his hind legs has led him to a slower, quieter life where he must choose his battles and bursts of frenetic energy wisely. Sounds like a certain crafty veteran reliever currently on the IL. Like Rookie, Romo’s high-leverage days might be mostly behind him, but he can still reach down into the reserves a few more times when he needs to. They both just need a longer recovery time afterwards.

Kalia (John) – Diego Castillo

Kalia, my father’s new pup, is quite capable on his own and hopefully growing comfortable in a new environment, but his eyes and demeanor scream that he is absolutely terrified at every moment and experiences not joy but relief the moment his interactions/appearances are concluded. Unfortunately, the Mariner this most puts in me in mind of is Diego Castillo.

Lineup:

Waitress and Burlap (Connor) – Jesse Winker, with bonus Paul Sewald

Waitress, on the left, most embodies the spirit of Jesse Winker, as an effective hunter (of mice or of fastballs, who can say) and quiet leader. Burlap, on the right, is most like Paul Sewald, a seemingly reserved guy who gets loud when fired up.

Jensen (Isabelle) – Eugenio Suárez

Jensen’s spiritual twin on the Mariners is Eugenio, in that they are both large and gregarious and have excellent smiles and wonderful hair situations. Also, both put on great game faces in the box.

Callie (Lou) – Tom Murphy

An absolute fiend who would throw Gatorade if she had thumbs. She is also a skilled catcher, often streaking out the door as soon as it is opened 0.0002 millimeters and returning twenty seconds later with a vole. Plus, just look at those eyes.

Pidge (Bren) – Jarred Kelenic

Like her Wisconsin doppelgänger, Pidge is very smart, sometimes too smart for her own good. She’s also on the attack more than she should be (don’t worry, only sticks and branches) and occasionally chases outside the zone (yard) when she knows she shouldn’t. Her figure betrays her speed and ability to track down a ball, and she rarely smiles. All in all though, a very good dog, albeit an intense one.

Rosie (Kate) – Julio Rodríguez

Rosie the cat might not be as gregarious as her Mariner twin, but she is every bit as inquisitive, smart, and athletic (she also has equally lovely eyes, a light aqua that this picture does not do justice to). Don’t be fooled by her larger size; she’s agile and fast, able to leap and shimmy up trees, do high-wire acts on narrow fences, and streak across the yard if she catches sight of an intruder. Like JRod, she also has an intensely competitive side and loves to hunt for fastballs down the middle field mice. Also, while being an incredibly sweet and affectionate girl, it is absolutely her world and we are all just living in it.

Sunkist (Jacob P.) – Dylan Moore

With a name befitting a California boy who currently resides in the Sunshine State, Sunkist might not always be easy to spot, as she’s always hiding, but then pops up somewhere when you least expect it, like left field. She also is the only cat I’ve ever met who plays fetch, something I’m sure that would come in handy both chasing down fly balls and scooping up grounders.

Other:

Finna (Lou) – Scott Servais

Look at the big Midwestern Energy of this cat. Like Skip, Finna is eerily calm except in situations of injustice (like Callie getting more wet food than she does). Generally, though, she lets everyone know in a polite and chill fashion when it’s time to do something new or where to find fresh water, and she gets along with everyone.

Edmund (Nick) – Ichiro

While no longer officially a Mariner, he is still part of the organization so this counts, okay? Edmund was known in his youth for boundless energy, drive and being routine-oriented. As he progressed into his more middle-age, like Ichiro, he……didn’t slow down a single bit. I routinely got the whole “Wow, he seems more like he’s 2!” …yeah, I know. I thought he might never slow down, but as he has reached nine and a half, he has slowly aged into the better part of life. Much like Ichiro likes to still suit up and get his BP in, Edmund still loves to go on his hikes and backpacking trips and adventures. He’s just a bit more chill now.

Another similarity – I think that they are both eternal and are incapable of dying. Edmund has literally never died before, he wouldn’t even know how to do so ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Ichiro also has that whole possibly a demigod vibe. Safe to say that after all the stars go out, Ichiro and Edmund will be getting in their BP somewhere among the vastness. Maybe Edmund will even learn how to fetch and can shag for Ichi’s tee work.