Pokémon has a special place, not just in our hearts, but in our actual, anatomical brains. Studies — real ones, with science and everything — show that Pokémon characters live rent-free in our heads, and the mere sight of one activates a specific region in our brains dedicated to the storage of such precious information. I call it the Frontal Pokédex.
Cool! And disappointing! Wish I could do math instead of recanting all of Caterpie’s evolutions by heart, but that ship obviously sailed to Cerulean City long ago.
I tell you all of this, not just out of amazement, but to prep you for a new (possibly delicious) addition to your cartoon-addled brain. Move over important and/or useful information because there’s a new yeasty bread beagle in town, and its name is Fidough.
Fidough — a new addition to the upcoming Pokémon Scarlet and Violet — is part dog, part breadstuff. It has an arsenal of astounding attributes that I am frankly so excited to relay to you that my fingers are almost trembling while typing these words. First: it’s wet.
“It has smooth, moist skin that is off-white in coloration,” reads the description under Bulbagarden’s biology section, which I’ve fact-checked against Game Freak’s official announcement. Why is it wet? I don’t know, maybe it’s under-baked; maybe it’s not baked at all; maybe it secretes a preservative to prevent it from going stale. It’s hard to say, but the fact remains: Fidough is moist.
Fidough also has yeasty breath. From its description: “Fidough’s breath contains yeast and is used to ferment things. Fidough has long been considered a companion for humanity, because its yeast is useful for cooking.” Our yappy little yeast Yorkie isn’t just another doughy face — it doubles as a sous chef. Can it wear a little chef’s hat? Probably only in your wildest dreams, but even the mental exercise makes my whole body vibrate with serotonin, which is really the important thing here.
Lastly, Fidough is stretchy. “Fidough’s skin has elastic qualities; when startled, Fidough will puff itself up to appear larger, in an attempt to intimidate its opponents,” according to Bulbagarden. Imagine the pure, unadulterated joy of picking up your stretchy rye retriever and hurling its elastic body at an opponent. Does Fidough stick to adversaries on contact? Only one way to find out; this challah hound ain’t gonna throw itself.
Where’s the GF version? — As much as my love for Fidough swells inside my brain like a terminal Game Freak tumor, I have some questions. As the longtime partner of someone with celiac disease, I’m wondering if there’s a gluten-free Fidough alternative. Assuming Fidough is composed of wheat, befriending this sticky specimen could represent problems for someone like her. Perhaps poké-geneticists could devise a breed using rice flour?
Gluten content aside, my love for Fidough is undying. I would follow my doughy dog prince to the gates of whatever the equivalent of Mordor is in Pokémon; I would ride into battle against even the most fearsome Gigantamax; I would even watch Morbius if that’s something Fidough was interested in. (Okay, maybe not that.) My point stands: Fidough is here and it’s the hero (pun intended) that we need.